You've met someone. Conversation is great, compatibility is evident and sparks have flown. However there are questions in your head that you might be afraid to blurt out - What are we ? Where are we going with this " thing " ? Should I stop looking and focus on you ?
I have met quite a few men who just want to take it as it comes and " go with the flow ". They do not want to put a time frame on love, marriage..FOREVER. However for women like myself we need answers. We are more...
You've met someone. Conversation is great, compatibility is evident and sparks have flown. However there are questions in your head that you might be afraid to blurt out - What are we ? Where are we going with this " thing " ? Should I stop looking and focus on you ?
I have met quite a few men who just want to take it as it comes and " go with the flow ". They do not want to put a time frame on love, marriage..FOREVER. However for women like myself we need answers. We are ok to wait months to meet a man or months for things to progress but in exchange we at least need to have some sort of acknowledgement of direction stated by the man. We need to feel like we are at the same emotional level with the man and are working toward a common goal.
It is hard to come right out and ask a new relationship if he wants to be exclusive with you or still flirt, date or consider others.
What do you think ? When is an appropriate time to talk about being exclusive ?
When engaged in internet dating is is wiser to not put all of your eggs into one basket and rather keep several options going for months until one of them steps up to the plate and makes a formal declaration ?
I would also like to hear from the people who are on their way to getting married and the folks who have met someone and might be at that point now or who have passed it.
Quoting: Originally posted by ozredhead62 Great topic Vegas, where do you come up with these? :)
If two people are talking about this I believe it has already gone beyond the friendship stage and has become a relationship.
Myself, I feel I want to become exclusive when I no longer want to actively look elsewhere, do not want to respond to winks, go out on a date, and do not want to take another man to bed for my sexual gratification.
When that person that I have been building something with has gotten under my skin or wall and they are now my primary focus, I think of them, miss them, want to get to know everything about them, and can see a potential future with them.
Now if I am at this stage, then there are no other eggs in my basket, not real ones anyway, if there were real eggs in there it would have show up before, and the current relationship just would not have reached the point where we are now having a discussion about being exclusive.
Now LDR can be so much harder because you can not find out if you are compatible in all areas till you meet. Now this is a hard one, do you stay and continue to invest your time and emotions, when it could go so wrong once you meet?
I suppose I liken it to, if I had met someone locally who I liked a lot, and for some reason whether it be medical or religious we could not consummate the relationship for months. My decision to stay with it or leave would be totally dependant on what I saw within this person, what I felt when I was with them and the potential of it been worth the wait.
That is not saying I dont have needs, I do, but I can handle those needs on my own if I had to. Saying that this is such a big issue (needs) seems like a bit animalistic, like urges cant be controlled. The real question is do you want to hold back from satisfying these urges, because of who you are seeing?
Life is about making choices, do you take that job, or buy that car? We can go on second guessing ourselves forever and never have anything, or we can decide that what is in front of us has enough of the things that we want and is worth the time, effort and risk.
Great topic Vegas, where do you come up with these? :)
If two people are talking about this I believe it has already gone beyond the friendship stage and has become a relationship.
Myself, I feel I want to become exclusive when I no longer want to actively look elsewhere, do not want to respond to winks, go out on a date, and do not want to take another man to bed for my sexual gratification.
When that person that I have been building something with has gotten under my skin or wall an more...
Great topic Vegas, where do you come up with these? :)
If two people are talking about this I believe it has already gone beyond the friendship stage and has become a relationship.
Myself, I feel I want to become exclusive when I no longer want to actively look elsewhere, do not want to respond to winks, go out on a date, and do not want to take another man to bed for my sexual gratification.
When that person that I have been building something with has gotten under my skin or wall and they are now my primary focus, I think of them, miss them, want to get to know everything about them, and can see a potential future with them.
Now if I am at this stage, then there are no other eggs in my basket, not real ones anyway, if there were real eggs in there it would have show up before, and the current relationship just would not have reached the point where we are now having a discussion about being exclusive.
Now LDR can be so much harder because you can not find out if you are compatible in all areas till you meet. Now this is a hard one, do you stay and continue to invest your time and emotions, when it could go so wrong once you meet?
I suppose I liken it to, if I had met someone locally who I liked a lot, and for some reason whether it be medical or religious we could not consummate the relationship for months. My decision to stay with it or leave would be totally dependant on what I saw within this person, what I felt when I was with them and the potential of it been worth the wait.
That is not saying I dont have needs, I do, but I can handle those needs on my own if I had to. Saying that this is such a big issue (needs) seems like a bit animalistic, like urges cant be controlled. The real question is do you want to hold back from satisfying these urges, because of who you are seeing?
Life is about making choices, do you take that job, or buy that car? We can go on second guessing ourselves forever and never have anything, or we can decide that what is in front of us has enough of the things that we want and is worth the time, effort and risk. less...
I feel this may be old fashioned . If he has not put a ring on you finger. Then you are free to see others. but tell him so. If after a few months of dating this fellow and every thing meshes well. Tell him so. Tell him you feelings( we guys ain't all mind readers.)Then he should take it further If he wants, if not set him adrift. If a Long distance then the attempt to get together should be done. at a neutral site for the day and see what progresses in the face to face meeting.
My opinion is communicate communicate communicate. If you want to be exclusive say so. If your partner does not want the same thing, they say so. Then you work out a compromise.
For us, it came naturally. We were just "internet dating" and both still on this site and one day he mentioned that getting winks from other women made him feel like he was cheating on me. So we talked about it and decided we were exclusive at that point.
My opinion is communicate communicate communicate. If you want to be exclusive say so. If your partner does not want the same thing, they say so. Then you work out a compromise.
For us, it came naturally. We were just "internet dating" and both still on this site and one day he mentioned that getting winks from other women made him feel like he was cheating on me. So we talked about it and decided we were exclusive at that point.
As for "needs" and LDRs, or really ANY relationship? People that is no excuse. You know darn well you can take care of your own needs. You've been doing it since you were a teenager. Its the wants that get ya. Whether you are or are not exclusive shouldn't be guesswork. Just talk about it. less...
If you are still out there looking,then the one person your talking to is not satisfying your needs/wants or desires.
I know that not one person can do that. That's why we form small groups of friends - acquaintances.
Our needs for physical intimacy varies, men must, women can choose when. There's not an immediate "need" but more of a desire.
The old saying. Men need a place women need a reason.
If you're not sure, then go out on that date, answer your questi more...
Ariesram,
If you are still out there looking,then the one person your talking to is not satisfying your needs/wants or desires.
I know that not one person can do that. That's why we form small groups of friends - acquaintances.
Our needs for physical intimacy varies, men must, women can choose when. There's not an immediate "need" but more of a desire.
The old saying. Men need a place women need a reason.
If you're not sure, then go out on that date, answer your questions before becoming exclusive. Then you will not look over your shoulder and think "I should have" Once your exclusive, stay that way.
I'm at the three month mark with a guy I met on this website. We see each other only on weekends because of necessity and distance. This being said I'll give you my answer- Aimee says:
I don't date much at all, I'm picky about who I allow into my world. In the seven years of living in Florida, I've met 26 men, in person. None of them got into my world full time. A few of them got into my pants because I wanted it. They never made it into my world though.
I'm at the three month mark with a guy I met on this website. We see each other only on weekends because of necessity and distance. This being said I'll give you my answer- Aimee says:
I don't date much at all, I'm picky about who I allow into my world. In the seven years of living in Florida, I've met 26 men, in person. None of them got into my world full time. A few of them got into my pants because I wanted it. They never made it into my world though.
Now that I'm seeing someone exclusively. I can say that we really never talked about being exclusive, it just happened. Thinking back to my two other long term relationships ( a 14 year marriage and an 8 year co-habitation) we never talked about it - it just happened.
Internet dating? I don't really know what this means. Does it mean meeting someone through a website or only emailing, IM'ing and webcamming on line and never meeting them?
I agree that timing something might seem important. In the long run I think is happens regardless. How much do you want to control? How much should we be able to control? When do you go things following your gut?
Being at the three month mark, I can say that I have thought about co-habitation. BUT I know I'm not ready for that right now. I know that he is ready. We've not talked about though. He knows I'm not ready for that step.
We've talked about many things from personalities to politics. He's a major history buff, I'm not into knowing all of those facts at all.
We've not talked too much about a future with each other. It's just happening. Neither of us is unhappy about it. Things are progressing slowly and that's fine with me right now. I own a home, he has an apartment.
My situation is sort of unique. I had an elderly uncle living with me for just over five years. He's gone back to NJ now. I'm living alone for the first time in my life really. I don't want anyone in "that" space right now. Yes, I know I run the risk of him moving on because I'm not ready right now. I don't know when or if I'll be ready for that situation. I'm not lonely, my life is not empty.
The appropriate time? When it's foremost in your mind. That's when it's the right time for that discussion.
One of my dear friends and I have been talking about this very thing. When I copied and pasted your blog to her this is what she said: ( I;ll answer it on another entry)
ERIKA Said:
I agree. Women need more of a time frame. I was going to say that I don't have sex with someone unless it's and exclusive relationship, but I'm rethinking that. Men, at least men our age, only date one woman at a time, as a rule. So, of course they're exclusive. I tend not to be attracted to men who are &qu more...
One of my dear friends and I have been talking about this very thing. When I copied and pasted your blog to her this is what she said: ( I;ll answer it on another entry)
ERIKA Said:
I agree. Women need more of a time frame. I was going to say that I don't have sex with someone unless it's and exclusive relationship, but I'm rethinking that. Men, at least men our age, only date one woman at a time, as a rule. So, of course they're exclusive. I tend not to be attracted to men who are "playing the field. You can tell right away who they are...they're unavailable at night, their cell phone is turned off or goes to voicemail...They only make one date a week with you...
I like a man who is tuned in to only me. But that begs the question...Do I want to "put all my eggs in one basket" as she so eloquently put it...
If you really listen, men will tell you what they want. what they're looking for. You can ask, up front, what they're looking for, but be prepared for a come on line...he'll tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Even so, the words "eventually" or "someday" tell you he's only ready for fun. Instead, watch his behavior. If you talk about things breaking in the house, does he listen, make suggestions, fix it? Or does he change the subject?
If he changes the subject, he doesn't want to settle down. At least not with you. If he does act like he wants to settle down, then just tell him how you feel about marriage. Generalize it in relationship terms. I'll never get married again, but I'd like to live with someone, or, I could never live with someone without marriage...etc. Then he will also know where he stands.
And you should probably wait until YOU don't want to see anyone else. That way you aren't in so deep that you can't walk away if he doesn't give the right answers and yet, you aren't hurting a man that you aren't really into by giving him the wrong impression....so whenever that happens for you is the time to address the issue, no matter how long or short a time it's been. less...
Quoting: Originally posted by ariesram Been thinking the same thing, and not only me. Do you carry on as you would have done, as if you weren't chatting to someone,or until you both cement your friendship/whatever with sex.
Or hide BOTH pro...
Aries, you have many valid questions. You are at a point where you must reach inside yourself and find the answers.
I suppose that it is like a game show where you have 3 choices....either walk away and hold on to the big pile of cash you alre more...
Quoting: Originally posted by ariesram Been thinking the same thing, and not only me. Do you carry on as you would have done, as if you weren't chatting to someone,or until you both cement your friendship/whatever with sex.
Or hide BOTH profiles and don't contact your 'nsa's/f'buddies',and hope you hit it off, when you do,eventually, get round to meeting for the first time?
Must be an even harder question to answer, if it was a LD friendship/relationship? Because of the longer time between chatting and meeting 4d first time. We ALL have our needs.
What if... you are chatting with someone you like, but then another person wants to go on a date with you Do you turn them down, and stay focused on the one you are chatting to/getting to know. Or do you go on the date? Who knows, that person might just be the one you're looking for,and NOT the one you have been talking to for several weeks? Mmmmmmmmmm? another tough one Vegas.
Aries, you have many valid questions. You are at a point where you must reach inside yourself and find the answers.
I suppose that it is like a game show where you have 3 choices....either walk away and hold on to the big pile of cash you already won, or take a gamble and exchange all this cash for what's behind door # 1,2 or 3.
It might seem foolish to hold on to the prize in your hands when the potential of something bigger and better may be lurking behind the door, but like my grandma used to say " If you think the grass is greener on the other side...then you need to water you damn lawn more ! "
In the end, if you have connected with someone in such a manner that it just feels so right...you can't let that go, cannot put it aside, but most of all you really should be available to give it 110% because the answers you seek maybe be held by that person. Be honest about everything, allow yourself to be vunerable, as scary and risky as that may be. Sometime you have to take risks, put your neck out on the cutting board..in order to get what you want.
Lastly, for a LDR I think that as easy as it may be to say, well until I see you, go an have fun with someone else....you must understand that for women, after spending time talking with you and getting to know you we become emotionally involved. It is very difficult not to. When emotions are involved it is hard to seperate mind and body. Our minds and heart is filled with you - there is no room for anyone else !I think even through a LDR you can attain sexual satisfaction by taking another person out of the equation and becomming each other's fantasy and thus solidifing your relationship even more and keeping the excitement alive to sustain you until you can be within oneanother's arms.
